Tuesday, August 26, 2014

I Am My Own Worst Enemy (also, Part 3 of an Apparent Friendship Theme)

Ok, this is getting hard. Which is good. I guess.

I apologize in advance if this is a little scattered. As I work through my hang-ups in the area of friendship, I'm learning a lot about myself, and while in the grand scheme of things it's all helpful, it's not all fun, and I haven't completely processed everything.

Let me first say, I do have friends.
I don't want people thinking, "So, Amy, what am I? Chopped liver??"
I have many people in my life that I consider my friends. We hang out with different families and have people over for dinner and all that good stuff. I'm not this person.....

Last week I learned that I am selfish, and that's kind of the bottom line and where this whole thing stems from. A result of the selfishness though is fear. Or maybe they're partners?? Because I'm selfish, I'm afraid? I don't know how that works exactly, but they are both getting on my nerves in a major way.

I hate being afraid.
What am I afraid of?
I'm afraid of not being wanted.
I'm afraid that I'll put myself out there and it won't be reciprocated.
I'm afraid of being left out.

I've felt left out a lot. I still feel left out a lot. I know 99.9% percent of the time it's all in my head. I'm probably not actually, intentionally being left out. I seriously doubt that people sit around as they're planning their get togethers and say, "Let's NOT invite Amy. She's sooooo lame. She used to have a mullet."

But, you see,  I overthink everything. I draw conclusions. I make assumptions. It's one of my biggest character flaws. I am my own worst enemy. I won't go into specifics, because I don't want to use a hypothetic (or maybe not so hypothetic) example and have someone assume I'm talking about them. I'm the only one allowed to assume things about people; never the other way around.
I kid, I kid....sort of.

But if I don't have close friendships, if I'm not close enough to anyone to warrant an invitation to their party/girls' night out/playdate/barbecue/game night then I won't get my feelings hurt when I'm not invited. Even though I still do.
Blech. I'm annoying myself again.

That fear has become so ingrained in me that it affects the way I interact with people, the amount of control I allow them to have in a relationship, the degree that I let them in.

And then, as I continued thru the scripture and the chapters last week, this is what I landed on:
I. don't. trust. God.

Now, let me assure you this is not a conscious decision. I'm not arguing and prostrating and yelling at God, "I don't trust you!!"
I actually feel good about my relationship with Him. If you asked me if I trust God, I would say with complete sincerity, "Yes! Of course I do!"
My actions in the area of friendship however, would suggest otherwise.
My actions say, 'You can have every part of my life, God. I trust you in all things....except this little area over here. That friendship thing? That one's mine. I'm going to take care of it myself, because I know better than you."
Yep, that's pretty much spot on.
And ludicrous.

So I guess, at this point I'm trying to figure out what it looks like to trust God with my relationships.
I know God wants to heal this thing in me; fear, distrust, selfishness....all of the above. He wants me to have community, a best friend, a 'soul sister' if you will. I've known for a long time that I have that need. If I wasn't aware of it I wouldn't be sitting here typing this blog post for all of you wonderful people.
If I really believed God, I would have to sacrifice my fear and my pride.

Is not trusting others the same as not trusting God?
Is there a difference?

John13: 34-35--I give you a new command: Love each other deeply and fully. Remember the ways I have loved you, and demonstrate your love for others in those same ways. Everyone will know you as my followers if you demonstrate your love to others. (The Voice)

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